My Depression

What it is: My brain structure is perfect, the function is not.

What it isn’t: I’m not sad, sad all the time or moody.

I have Major Depression and have since I was thirteen. I wasn’t diagnosed until a decade later, because everyone thought I was just lazy or a teenager. I even went to a counselor who told me these things. That was right after I attempted suicide.

Depression isn’t when you’re just sad and for a long time. It isn’t a phase you can snap out of or a mood you can fix with tequila or chocolate. It is different, for different people and caused by different things. For me, my brain and my body are at war, constantly. I am almost always in a battle to even get out of bed or eat (there may be a few days a month I can find relief). Since I am skilled with my depression, having had it so long, nobody knows what I am going through. I always laugh and try to have fun, meanwhile there is this unwavering urge inside me to cry nonstop for hours, preferably curled up in bed. Some days, usually after I have been suffering for about a month in a row, I just can’t hide it. I am not a very nice or happy person on these days. I still try, but resistance is futile (see what I did there?).

If you have depression and are reading this, know that this is how depression is for me. Everyone is different, because our lives are different. Our pasts and experiences are different. I have hope that I fill find someone who understands how I feel and one day we will be able to console each other. And on that day, I will suffer, just a little less. Because I’ll know that I’m not the only one and I’m not crazy. Know that it will get better. Know that even though I have been going through this for so long and still don’t have answers, I know that I will. And so will you. We aren’t defined or limited by this. It’s just like a pimple on your skin. You know it’s there and it’s incredibly annoying and you wish it would go away. It’s painful and you wish you didn’t have it. And one day, it will. And maybe it will come back again, but there’s a chance it won’t. That chance is what you need to hold on to at night. Know it’s there. Because it is. I’ve seen glimpses of it here and there, I know it exists. And it’s the only thing that keeps me going. I know you’ll get there too.  🙂

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