My Depression (and Anxiety Disorder)

What it is: I am a Major Depressive (Here are the types of depression: ). My brain structure is flawless. But, it doesn’t know how to function properly. I also have an Anxiety Disorder (read about more here: ).

Major depression is a mental health condition. It is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with daily life for weeks or longer. (National Library of Medicine)

Cause: Doctors do not know the exact causes of depression. It is believed that chemical changes in the brain are responsible. This may be due to a problem with your genes. Or it may be triggered by certain stressful events. More likely, it is a combination of both.

Some types of depression run in families. Other types occur even if you have no family history of the illness. Anyone can develop depression, including children and teens. (National Library of Medicine)

How it feels: Everyday, I wake up and I don’t know what to expect. I might be ok, but I might have to fight to get out of bed. It is a daily fight between my brain and my body. Sometimes, my body feels like it is under a weight and I have to roll out of bed or roll into a push up position and try to push myself off the bed. And that’s just if I get that far. Some days, I can’t get motivated to get that far. I just lay there and think about things or watch TV, because I don’t feel like fighting myself that day. If I can get up, I have to rationalize taking a shower and brushing my teeth. Don’t get me wrong, I know their importance and understand that they are necessities. My body doesn’t. Keep in mind that all this fighting with myself takes energy. Twice the energy. Because I’m fighting myself and I’m fighting back. The stress and fatigue also causes my back and feet to hurt. I have tremendous pain in my upper back. It might go away if my boyfriend massages it, but only for a few minutes. This is my day. This battle happens over something as simple as putting on my shoes. Sometimes, I space out or black out. Other times, I might have an anxiety attack. These are all ways that my body turns against my brain.

I try things that make me happy. But, a classic symptom of depression is that you lose interest in things you love. Still, I keep doing them, knowing it is something I love. I don’t feel it, but I know it is there. There are plenty of times I will know I should and do feel happy about something, genuinely happy. But, the feeling I actually feel is dread or numbness. Some things in the day become down right torturous. The last hour of work can be so painful. Literally, painful. But, it has to happen to get me home.

Sometimes people say I’m “just moody”, “need to get over it” or “might be menstruating”. But, none of those things are the case. The reality is that a lot has happened in my life. As a result, my brain doesn’t understand what is what. Honestly…I know the feeling.

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